I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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