I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
