The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
