apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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