he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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