I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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