Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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