Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
