he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
