I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sober January is a disaster.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
