Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Help me help you realize you are a moron
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
