dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
MIDGETS
????
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
