i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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