I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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