she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
