the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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