My cat gives me a boner
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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