you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
