The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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