I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
