I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I party with great urgency now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize