My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
