you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
