Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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