My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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