LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
