He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
