Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can text with my tongue
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
