Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize