So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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