this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
