I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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