Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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