I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
God, I missed his penis.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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