We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
