He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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