So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
