Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
