First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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