Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
