i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Randomize