Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
