Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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