My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you never un-have a 4some
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
