Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
