I feel like I'm in dance class right now
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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