I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We got so high we made milksteak
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
