I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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