then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
