I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
