over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
