Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
