I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Success! We fucked roommates!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
