i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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