WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
