the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
