No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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