Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
