Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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